It’s 5 AM

by jessicaturner on July 19, 2008

Elias and I have been up since 3:45. We went to bed at 12:45. Mommy is tired. Elias should be tired, but his heavy eyelids won’t stay closed.

The past few days have been trying. You see, after I pumped that bottle that Matthew fed Elias (see post below), I became extremely engorged, resulting in a lot of tears, pain and frustration (hope this isn’t TMI). Thursday was the worst – I cried a lot. Friday was a little better, though I still sat and cried by evening. My hope is that today will be even better – and that relief is around the corner. Yes, I have done it all. Hot compresses, hot showers, ice, feeding every two hours, pumping (without much success because of the engorgement), etc. I have spoke with several lactation consultants and they say I am doing everything right, so I am just trying to be patient. Elias is thankfully getting plenty of milk – I just seem to have a lot more than what is needed. However, he has been fussy as it has been more difficult for him to latch, and he is such a good baby that his crying has made me more emotional.

You should know that I am NOT a crier. It has been a joke in my family for years. However, motherhood and increased post-partum hormones have seemed to change all of this. :) I look at my son and am overwhelmed by how adorable he is, that Matthew and I made him, and that God has trusted the two of us to raise him. I know we won’t be perfect parents, but that we will love Elias passionately. My whole life my parents, especially my mom, used to say, someday, when you are a parent, you will understand. And they were right. I get it. You love your kids in a way that those without kids can only kind of understand. It is a different kind of a love. It is deeper, richer and more profound than any other love I have known. It’s pretty cool.

Today Matthew and I hope to do another video blog and I want to go to an upscale baby shop that is closing here in Nashville (Gingham). It will be good to get out of the house, even if it is just for an hour. I also got 150 pictures printed from Elias’s first week, so I am really hoping to get to make at least one scrapbook layout. (FYI – is having a sale – order 50 or more prints for just 10 cents a piece. The coupon code is FUN and the sale ends today.)

Well, my foot bouncing the bouncer seems to have done the trick… I think I am going to try to get some sleep out on the couch, rather than taking Elias out of the bouncer. Sorry this post was a bit all over the place! :) Good night, friends.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Jill July 19, 2008 at 11:47 am

Good morning…I hope you were able to go back to sleep. Let me just encourage you in the area of “nursing” — it will come…and the pain does go away. I remember with both of my girls having one really rough week (for me it was the week after my milk came in) where things were difficult…but once you get into an established routine with the feedings, your body will adjust it’s production and you should start feeling a lot more comfortable. I’ll be praying for you today — hang in there…it will all be worth it :)


Mrs. Elle July 19, 2008 at 12:41 pm

Hi, Jessica! I found my way to your blog from Angie Smith’s blog. I’ve been following your pregnancy adventures for a couple of months now and I can totally identify with dealing with postpartum issues. I’m six weeks postpartum myself! My little girl was born June 10. All I can say is that it definitely does get better. The engorgement, the sleep issues, and the hormonal bath – it all evens itself out into a beautiful bliss at some point sooner than you might think!!! Now at almost six weeks I’ve been able to get Amelia to sleep at night in 3 to almost four hour stretches but my body has also adjusted to me sleeping in blocks of time so I don’t feel so tired ALL the time. And I totally feel for you on the whole business of not being a crier but the hormone surge really taking a toll that’s not easy to resist. You are so not alone!!! I’ll be praying for you and hoping that things resolve themselves soon enough. Take care!!!!


jackie July 19, 2008 at 1:04 pm

Dear Jessica,
I cannot offer advice on the breast-feeding issue, but there are plenty of others out there who can.
I CAN pray for you & it's good for you to give us as much details as you want or can, for that will help us direct our prayers more specifically.
Praying for you in IN today.
Jackie Carl (Marion, IN)


Katie July 19, 2008 at 1:09 pm

Hi, Jessica! I found your blog through Angie’s, and found hers through somebody I can’t remember.

Anyway, congrats on your sweet baby boy! He is beautiful.

I have one who’s just about 19 months old and we nursed for 15 months. I can so relate to your difficulties right now, and just wanted to tell you that it will get better. You will get to where you truly enjoy nursing very much. At least I did. You’re doing a great job!

Enjoy your baby and have a good weekend.

Katie in Dallas


Leonard Family July 19, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Hi Jessica! I too found my way to your blog through Angie and now I am hooked! LOL! You and your husband have done an amazing job of documenting your pregnancy and now early days of motherhood. I have a 9 month old daughter so I was there where you are not too long ago and remember the early days vividly. The sleep deprivation was ROUGH on this mama! Now 9 months later I am trying to figure out how to get my daughter into a night time routine so I can get more than 6 hours of sleep and novel idea have some evening time to myself to scrap book. LOL!! As far as nursing goes – My daughter did well in the hospital and the first few days and then just refused to latch on. Hind sight I wish I would have sought a lactation consultant but I ened up pumping and feeding it to her in a bottle. That was a trip because I got no sleep. I’d feed her, get her back to sleep or content then it was time for me to pump and then I’d get a few winks and then before I knew it was time to feed her again. I pumped for 2 months and with what was frozen she had breast milk until she was 3 months. Now that being said she’s still a tough one to feed today — with a bottle. She’s impatient and has no attention span to sit still to eat. EEKS! I will keep you in my prayers! Good luck getting your scrap book page done today — I know how ya feel ya just wanna accomplish one page. LOL! I had a bunch of family and friends do scrap book layouts for my baby shower so I could add pictures later. It was a HUGE help when I really just wanted to get it done. Hang in there! HUGZ!

Jana (Washington State)


Therapy Mom July 19, 2008 at 2:03 pm

Stay strong! Rely on others for help (I know this can be hard)! The nursing will all work out…the supply and demand concept is amazing! And the bond is so beautiful!
Sleep any chance you get! The fatigue does get better as each day and week passes by! Enjoy even the hardest most…the pass so quickly!


Chatty July 19, 2008 at 2:11 pm

UGH, engorgement. It’s awfully painful.

I can relate to the crying- my older two are 3 years and 18 months and to this day I’ll look at them and just feel the tear come because I’m just so amazed, and so in love!

I’m laughing a little about sleeping in the bouncer- you have to take it where you can get it sometimes!!! 😉

Enjoy your day out- sometimes it helps just to get a little break. I second what everyone else is telling you about how the engorgement will pass, so hang in there.

It’s an amazing love, isn’t it?


amydc July 19, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Hang in there girl. Every issue you described WILL get better.
There is NOTHING like bringing the first one home. You guys will get the sleeping routine/schedule down in no time. I promise!
This new little precious time with him goes sooo fast.


Joy in Denver July 19, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Hang in there, Jessica! Everything you’re experiencing is totally normal, I promise you. Please don’t consider giving up. The nursing relationship will be so worth it. Just keep in mind that while your body is adjusting to Elias’ needs, that pumping will only mess that up. It’s better to avoid pumping (and bottles) while he’s so new and your body and his latch are adjusting, especially when you’re home with him anyway, and there’s no need to pump. :)


Anonymous July 19, 2008 at 3:27 pm

Oh my, except for the nursing part…does this bring back memories!!!! Women didn’t tend to nurse the 35+ years ago when I had my babies. We all mainly did the bottle thing…though I was interested in nursing (heaven’s knows I had enough milk before the “drying up” drug) but there just wasn’t the support that there is today.

THIS is where that feeling of “this is forever?” comes with child-rearing. The days are long, but the years are short is what I heard alot of years later…and is that so true!!! Blessings to you and your family! Thanks for the update!!!


Kristy July 19, 2008 at 3:30 pm

Hi Jessica,

I, too, have found you through Angie Smith’s blog. Congrats on Elias! He looks amazing.

My daughter is now 6mos and my son 21 mos. I nursed for only 4 mos with him; and am still nursing her with no end in sight. I am loving it. Our first few weeks were rough, and I was very frustrated. It was so easy with my son! I did pump and she did eat exclusively from a bottle for her first few weeks of life. It broke my heart. It was the only way to get food in her. She did adjust and I kept trying. She now eats from me and seems to dislike bottles (point being–don’t give up. It seems awful now, it WILL get better.) I pumped a lot when she was only days old, it was the only way to get through it. I still have milk in the deep freezer dated 1/23/08 (she was only 2 days old). So, you can certainly pump at this stage and still have a successful breastfeeding experience.

Enjoy the non-mobile stage while you can- it changes so fast. It is great, though.

Hang in there. Sorry for the novel!


Maria Hanson July 19, 2008 at 4:17 pm

Another lurker here…

It will all get better and more stable. Breastfeeding issues are SO TOUGH. I remember a lactation consultant telling me that she thought my body was making enough milk for twins. I cried and she tried to calm me down telling me that having lots of milk is a good thing. Too much pumping was my problem. I was pumping so much my body wasn’t ever shutting the milk maker down. Ugh. You will totally get through this. I will pray for you.

As far as the emotions, isn’t the love amazing and overwhelming? Those hormones will calm down and you’ll start feeling like yourself again. It may a while but it will get better.

Elias is gorgeous. What a sweet little guy.



Bevy July 19, 2008 at 5:08 pm

Express out your nipple BEFORE you try to latch him on. And just express some of the milk out of your breast. I remember standing over my bed and just dripping onto a towel just to relieve the pressure. The first 6 weeks to 2 mos are always the most difficult b’c your breasts are trying to adjust to the demand! :) Hang in there – by the video it sure seems that you have enuf milk – GREAT!
God bless!


Lauren July 19, 2008 at 5:17 pm

Found you through Angie too!

Hang in there girl. Nursing gets better, and it’s worth it.

And my daughter slept in a bouncer for the first month. (with me on the couch of course.)



Anonymous July 19, 2008 at 5:18 pm

Hi! It just takes a while, just hang in there! In another week, you will be a pro at nursing! My only advise,(which you of course do not have to listen to) is not to pump at all for at least a few weeks…I know it is emotional and tiring. The next time you nurse, take some deep breaths, get him latched on right, and go for it! And it’s Ok to shed some tears in the process! It gets easier,I promise!
I am saying prayers for yall!


Michelle in California July 19, 2008 at 7:32 pm

Hi Jessica, I also found you through Angie’s blog. I want to encourage you, that I have 4 kids, so I know the newborn stage well. I was also very weepy a few days after my babies were born, with no explanation for it except hormones. For me, the weepiness went away by the time the baby was about 2 weeks old. I think it just took that long for the hormones to adjust, or something. I know that knowing it would pass helped me, so I hope that that helps you, too. And the breastfeeding will get better, like everyone says. I always intended to pump, but never really kept it up, but I always had enough milk. The breastfeeding actually helps with your recovery, too. Eventually it helps to even out your hormones and keep you smooth sailing emotionally…unless you have postpartum depression, but there is help for that, too, if you find you have that. It sounds right now like you just have the “weepies” which are totally normal and will get better. Everything gets better! You won’t feel so tired after awhile, too. Just remember that you are still recovering! Let yourself. And you’re right that getting out for an outing will probably help your mood. I needed to do that, too, just to not feel isolated from the world…and I also felt that daytime, sunlight hours helped cheer me up, but when the sun went down, the weepies were back in full force…but not for long. I am praying for your family. Please don’t feel you need to do anything that seems overwhelming or too hard. Eventually, everthing will go back to normal…well, it will be a new normal, but it will feel normal. You’ll think, “What did I ever do with myself before?” that’s how normal it will all be. And so, so worth it. Love, Michelle in California


Joy July 20, 2008 at 2:19 am

Bless your heart! Your info is not TMI in the least!!! A while back you put a post up inviting people to Elias’ blog but now I can’t access it? Did you guys end up deleting it?

I’m sorry you’re so sore, but yes! It will get better and relief is in sight. I’m not a crier either… at least until now that my hormones are all over the place!


Walking by Faith July 20, 2008 at 2:40 am

Hey Jessica, I found your blog through Angie’s (I signed once before) I hope you don’t mind me reading about your precious new little guy. He is too cute for words!! I have 2 boys…I may have left our link before, but now I started blogging too. Go figure…anyway why I wanted to comment was to tell you that after I had my first baby I was VERY emotional and I really struggled with nursing. Every thing was great in the hospital and then when we got home it seemed like everything just didn’t go as smoothly. I eventually stopped after 4weeks and I was SOOOOO sad about it. (turned out fine Carter only has been on antibotics 2 times and he’s 2 1/2.) So, don’t give up…know that your saddness, or tears for no reason then flooded by so much love and joy just by looking at that baby is soooo normal! Welcome to post-labor!haha…praying for you, and you look beautiful by the way!! I’m hooked on your hubbies blog too, and he is soooo funny!! take care.~heidi


Disney Scrapper July 20, 2008 at 2:48 am

Boy does this bring back memories. I didn’t bf, and with the first two they gave me pills to dry up my milk. With Nicki nothing, nada, zip. I remember sitting in the car crying along with the kids because I was in so much pain. The only thing that worked was having Marc wrap me in a towel (really tightly). I will be praying for the adjustments you all will make over the coming months and years. By the way I am loving see your husbands reactions to the baby.He looks like he is going to just eat him up. Its the sweetest thing to watch.


Jenny July 20, 2008 at 3:46 pm

Hey Jessica!
I also found you through Angie!
What a cute fat little boy you all have- adorable! I grit my teeth every time I see a pic of him!
Just wanted to offer the suggestion of cabbage leaves for your engorged breasts! I did this and it helped amazingly!! The only thing is that it can actually be used to dry up your milk if you left them on long enough and did it frequently enough. I only had to do it a couple days, once or at the most twice a day- and leave them on just enough to lose the cool (from being in the fridge)! Unbelievable the relief!! They are actually the perfect shape for your huge breast! Oh, and you just need to cut off the main vein- the big hard part at the bottom so they can kinda overlap and fold right around your breast! Fun times! Congrats on the cutie and your healthy supply of milk!!


Cadi, Lance and our 4 miracles. July 20, 2008 at 5:31 pm

Hi Jessica,

The tears, engorgement, and lack of sleep are pretty tough to take in those early days. Good thing we have a cute baby to make it all worth it. Having a supportive husband helps a lot, which you seem to have. Though I would never have let him go home that first night in the hospital. He will spend eternity making up for that one.

I’ll keep this short cause I know you are at the busy stage of mommyhood (there are more to come but don’t think about that yet). One thing that helped me and most people don’t think about, is making sure I ate frequently. Your body is burning tons of calories and we all know it’s tought to remember to stop and feed ourselves when we are knee deep in wet jammies, dirty diapers, and spit up. Your blood sugar can drop really quickly and that can make everything seem so much worse.

Hope your feeling better. I always thought the 1st 2 weeks were the hardest for breasfeeding. It gradually gets easier after that. Kiss your baby for me, I so miss that stage.



Anonymous July 20, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Oh my–I can almost feel those engorgement knots from ten years ago as I read your post! Crazy as it seems–take a leaf of cold, raw cabbage and lay in your bra–it will cook in no time–pull it out as it wilts. Totally got me through engorgement and then eventually when I had to quit 4 months later because I was pg with a surprise!! My hubby teased me about him coming to bed with a rabbit!


The Lowells July 20, 2008 at 10:37 pm

Hi Jessica! First of all, I just found your blog right after your sweet baby boy was born. Congratulations!

As a Mom of four (all who were nursed) the only thing I can tell you is hang on…you’ll make it. I remember getting in the shower that first week and just crying for what seemed like hours…praying they would just go away! Before you know it, they’ll be working like champs…making just enough! (which still makes me ask, “how do they do that?”)

Your sweet baby is fortunate to have you as his Mama! Stick with it…it will get easier!


Dana July 21, 2008 at 4:01 am

Just dropping in to check on you and your little bundle. I’m sure you’ve got tons of people offering nursing advice so I’ll just say that though I’ve never met you (I feel like I have because of Adam) that from the labor and delivery story, I can tell that you’re a determined girl! I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll get it.

Oh and the hormones.. When I got home with Chloe (our second) I cried because Emma (our first) didn’t like the kind of toothpaste I had bought. I’m sending one up for you.


Angie July 21, 2008 at 2:51 pm

Don’t worry the crying thing is side effect of having children that no one tells you about. I remember I cried at a birthday party after my daughter was first born because they sang the Happy Birthday song and I thought about my daughters Birth Day. It does get better, but never truly goes away, because now your heart belongs to someone else. Congrats on the baby boy!


brandiandboys July 21, 2008 at 6:12 pm

Hey Jessica,
Those mommy hormones were the biggest shock to me after having Jett. I had no clue how they would knock me on my tail and cause me to cry all the time. I’ve been there and because of that I’m praying for your diligently!

Can’t wait to meet him in person! Love the video.


Kristin Amato July 21, 2008 at 6:14 pm

Hi Jessica.
Hang in there. I am now on baby #3, so I can really feel your pain. =) For my first baby, I thought I was going to put her on, she’d latch, we’d smile, and live happily ever after. No one told me the torture the first few days, sometimes even a couple of weeks (sorry), breastfeeding can bring! Hang in there. My 2nd was so much easier, and once you and baby get through the rough part, it gets MUCH easier. While you are engorged, you may want to throw out any sort of schedule, and just let the baby nurse whenever. I know this is sooo not what you are told to do, but I did it with my 2nd, and I can’t tell you what a difference it made. We both got on a good schedule in about 3 weeks, and my engorgement was never as painful as my first. Just some advice that worked for me.
Love, Kristin


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